Nikki Yeager

Today most of the trains weren't running.. again. 

But what does it matter when the conductors are singing songs, cracking jokes and (most likely) hopped up on one too many espressos?

Today I hopped on the 'r' train, two days after the sixth biggest snow storm in the history of NYC, and settled in for a long, unpleasant ride.

As we pulled up to the 59th street stop (the first stop with a transfer to an express train from BK to Manhattan), a voice came on the speaker to announce the usual business- what trains you can transfer to, what stop we're at, etc. 

Instead we got the extended version done by an MTA employee who sounded surprisingly similar to Chris Rock. 

Conductor: "We're pulling up to fifty ninth street. Yes, you heard me. Fifty ninth street. The N train and the D train are running today but there are delays across the entire system. The N and the D train are running."

Me: Thank goodness. That saves me 25 minutes. Better stand up now. 

Conductor: Interrupting my thoughts, "But think about this. If you see a crowded platform do you want to get off folks? You might wonder "is the D running?" "is the N running?". Yes, they are running. But there are delays throughout the entire system. You might wait on that crowded platform for twenty minutes. You might be there for a half an hour. "

Me: Good point. Should I sit back down? 

Conductor: "But you're already on the R train, folks. And the R train makes all local stops. We make all local stops and we'll get you to work real fast. We'll get you there fast and we don't ask any questions" 

Me: Well that settles it, I hate questions. 

The train slows a little more as it gets closer to the station and all the headphones come off so people can here this man talking. 

A woman grimaces at the loud voice coming from the ceiling, I giggle at the situation, a little boy next to me eats his mitten. 

Conductor: "Again, this is 59th st and we do have delays all over the system. Now you're already on the R train and the R train is a good train. The R train is a good train." 

Finally the ambiguity of train goodness and badness is settled! 

 Conductor: "The R train is a good train." 

Everyone nods with sudden affection. 

The train pulls into the station and slows to a stop. The doors open to a very crowded (and inexplicably snow-covered) platform. Inside, we sneer at the fools waiting for the N train. 

Little do those people now we're on the good train. The R train is a good train. 

Conductor:"Now make room for your fellow passengers. Let's work together now! Step in and don't forget your children!" Remember we're making all local stops and we're going fast."

Me: Firmly cemented in my seat. 

Conductor: "We're on the R train and we're at 59th street. Please stand clear of the doors..."

Me: Putting my headphones back on 

Conductor: "Unless you want to take the N train...." 

And with that the doors close and off we go. On the good train to Manhattan.