Nikki Yeager

To the buttmunch who stole my wallet:

I don't really mind that you stole my wallet. It was, admittedly, a bit of my own fault. I felt you putting your sticky little hands into my purse as I typed away at my laptop in Starbucks. You made me angry when you invaded my personal space but instead of assuming the worst I just snatched my bag from the back of my chair and shot you a menacing look. I should have checked inside instead and noticed the missing wallet. At which point I could have karate chopped your neck and taken the wallet back. 

However, I didn't and now you have all of my personal information.

Today I called Chase to cut you off. It turns out you took my goods and spent over 1,000 dollars at the downtown Kmart before I could make a move.

Congratulations. You can now say: 

I steal wallets and buy lots of Kmart Goods. 

I'm sorry but... really? I mean, take a wallet and hit Bergdorf Goodman. If you have five credit cards, the appropriate ID and access to a stranger's bank accounts you run as fast as humanly possibly to the Louis Vuitton store. 

But.. Kmart? Apparently you had a hankering for cheap housewares and crappy furniture. Maybe you have a shortage of paper towels in your house or a need for children's toys. Possibly you bought four thousand packages of gum...you know, just in case...

Whatever it was that you splurged on, I caught you. You New York Kmart Hillbilly. 

And then you escaped on the LIRR. No cabs for you. No classy trips... just the LIRR. 

You, my friend, win. Several thousand in credit card debt is in your pocket and you now have lots of kmart products somewhere in your Long Island home. 

Kudos. Enjoy my knock off Dolce and Gabana wallet.