Nikki Yeager

I'm writing this out of lust and love and a mixture of emotions that I've been tucking underneath the surface for a good 3 or 4 months. Because although I've been around the world and have been running a mile a minute for years on end; I realize I still have a 12 year old adolescent girl writing crappy poetry and wishing for love living inside me. And it sounds stupid to say, but I let my imagination run away with you again.

And I'm sure none of you want to read this. It's just the ramblings of an overly emotional night complete with cousins, wine and really awesome food. So you can leave. This one isn't great. And to be honest, it wasn't written for you. It was writen for me, selfish and needy and missing the guy who just abandoned me for dead.

But if you're 'you', if you're the guy this blog is about... keep reading. Because soon you'll think I'm crazy and it'll probably make you squirm in your pale and beautiful skin. You're probably sitting there considering my sanity and thinking about the next girl you'll see.Maybe it's 3 am and you just left work. Maybe you're drinking a no-name beer with an awesome metal-hooky-top-clasp. And then you'll see this and you'll know it's you. Maybe you sit your drink down and consider every sentence from here on out.

So sit you're drink down. Here I go.

Because this is exactly what I need. If you know what's going on inside my head you'll be too terrified to ever come back. And that's the only way I'll move on, if you stay gone forever.

So here it is, the unrational stream of consciousness that happened sometime after you asked "when will you be leaving me?" It was really only a weekend trip, but when I fell into your bed I knew I never wanted to get up again. The comfortable blankets and the colors of your room. The way you moved a mile outside of town yet your bed was still identical. A shrunken carbon copy of your room, without a towel out of place or a wire missing.

And I wanted to tell you the truth- I'd never be leaving you.

Then you said you'd come skiing with me this winter. Goodness how I love the snow! And I decided right then it was ok to let myself dream. Oh, how I've been dreaming.

In my head we had those 8 kids you always joked about wanting, and we had an unconventional wedding full of hilarity and laughter. Our honey moon was backpacking across Europe, lavish hotels in Spain, hiking outisde of France. And we ate and we laughed and when I told you I loved you, you told me you always had.Oh boy, how I believed you always had.

Don't forget the holidays. In my imagination they were never the same again. Because my mother loved you (let's be honest, you'd fit right into my little nuclear family) and because Mel smiled when she saw you in the seat next to me. They could all see it in my eyes... that look reserved for no one but you.

Yes, it was overly ambitious to dream those dreams.. But I guess that's what I'm known for: unrealistic expectations. And those crazy ideas of mine can only come true 99% of the time.

So you never answered about my art show. And you never showed up even though I lit the room with my smile and danced about the crowd; the world was mine for the taking. I half expected you to show up and half expected a text. I never imagined it was really the final point, the moment I was actually alone.

Never realized it was the first accomplishment in a year I couldn't call and tell you about.

Now I say goodbye. Goodbye. Now you're sure to think I'm losing my marbles. Maybe I am. Obsessed, that's what you must be saying to yourself. Not the with-it girl you always adored, but some looney bin lover from afar.

And I guess I should've realized how much you meant to me before letting it all fall away.

Next time I'll know better. Yes, next time I'll know better.

But unfortunately next time it won't be you. It'll be some other crazy fish in the sea.